


My light among the dark

by Marciethedog1



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: Bottom Louis, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital, OCD, Other, Protective Harry, Self-Harm, Top Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-03 17:16:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16330265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marciethedog1/pseuds/Marciethedog1
Summary: When Louis ,a seventeen year old OCD sufferer, if admitted to a psychiatric ward and meets long term resident Harry ,a sixteen year old self harmer, will sparks fly? And will they be able to save each other?





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> It’s my first time writing a fanfic but I’m really trying to make this a good read. Personally I’ve always felt that a lot of mental health problems such as OCD are overlooked so I decided to write from personal experiences.

Louis pov  
I can’t believe she’s actually fucking done this to me, shoving me in here like a dirty secret that needs locking up. I’m not crazy just because I don’t like germs, I’m not crazy because I brush my teeth till my mouth bleeds and I’m certainly not crazy because I avoid ill people. So what if I don’t want to get sick, who wants be a weak vulnerable mess. Not me, I don’t do vulnerable.

But despite all that I found myself here, cooped up in my room waiting to be called for group therapy. It’s my first day and I’ve yet to meet my roommate, I really hope they aren’t too bad. The whole floors full of anorexics, bulimics, mutes and cutters.

Just as I begin imagining being back at home with my mum and sisters a lanky looking boys strolls through the door. He doesn’t even bother acknowledging me, just slumps down onto his bed. As I take a closer look I see pristine white bandages wrapped up his forearms and dark circles under his lifeless emerald eyes. Great, a cutter.Meaning constant room checks to make sure they aren’t concealing any objects they could hurt themselves with. I admit I tried it once when the thoughts were getting too loud but it didn’t do anything but leave me with thin white lines running across my tan skin.

“Hey I’m Louis, what’s your name curly?” I asked confidently. On further inspection I’d been rather drawn to his mop of bouncy chocolate curls. “ ’m Harry” he mumbled in response, still refusing to really recognise me at all.

God, with a roommate like this it was gonna be a long few months.

Harry’s POV  
“So today I’d like us to start by introducing ourselves to our new group member ” Liam, our far too chirpy councillor announced. There was a collective groan through out the group, and I almost felt bad for my new roommate who was sat their looking like a complete lemon. Liam motioned for me to being the introductions so I begrudgingly stood up. I smirked at Louis and explained like I had a thousand times before “I’m Harry, I’m in this nuthouse cause I enjoy slitting my wrists and watching the crimson blood trickle out”. That’ll shut him up.

The whole way round the circle went pretty much the same as usual when we had a new nutter. Zayn told everyone that he hated his life and needed control so he starved himself, Niall just gave Liam a vacant stare and we quickly moved onto Samantha who snivelled as she told us about her agoraphobia. Finally all eyes landed on our new edition who stood up and gave us all a beaming smile. Why was this kid even in here?

“I’m Louis, my mum forced me to come here but I don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with me. I certainly don’t believe the doctors diagnosing but that what you all want to hear so I’ll say it. I have OCD.” Louis took a deep breath after his short speech before flopping back into his seat. I can see why he’s still so chipper now, Louis’s in the denial phase where if you try hard enough you almost believe you’re a fully functioning human. WRONG! He’d find out soon enough


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapters here! Hopefully a bit longer than the first. If you’re not British and aren't sure what bonjela is (mentioned in this chapter) it’s basically a gel to stop ulcers hurting and numbs pain of new teeth coming through

Louis POV  
The session seemed to fly by once we’d all introduced ourselves, nobody really stuck out to me accept Harry, he was just so blatant. I also can’t wrap my head around why he self harms, Harry’s beautiful, with gorgeous green eyes and a tall slender frame. And I mustn’t forget his head of luscious locks. Why does someone so perfect like harry hate themselves enough to take a razor and purposefully mutilate their skin?

I suppose he does it to stop all the thing going on inside his head, Harry’s just someone who prefers physical pain. Not that I’m in a position to judge.

Liam set us an assignment to complete for our next personal session. We all had to write where our problems first started and what we think was the trigger for them. After explaining the task he let us go so I trudged back the my room and flopped down onto the floor, quickly followed by Harry who launched himself onto his bed. “How did you find it then?”. I snap my head up to look at harry, this was progress. I gave him a weak smile and shrugged “it was alright I guess, just wanna be at home with my family”.  
“It gets easier mate I promise, and I should know I’ve been here since I was 14” Harry sighed. “I’m sorry to hear that mate, why-why’d you do it? Cut I mean.” I subtly prodded, I wanted to know what I was working with here. “I just get anxious about thing and it helps calm me down. And don’t say you don’t know the feeling, I can see your scars from here” Harry fired at me, I could see he was getting defensive.

To try and sate him I rolled up my sleeves further to leave my scars on full display and turned to face him.”I cut once, the thoughts telling me that I wasn’t clean enough were getting so loud that I needed a release. I get why you cut but for me it doesn’t help, slathering on antibacterial hand sanitiser makes me feel calmer than anything else ”. Harry nodded as he listened and once I’d finished he gave me a small smile. “What triggers your OCD, I don’t wanna upset you accidentally?”  
“Oh well germs, I avoid ill people at all costs and I have a thing with my mouth. I need it to be clean, I hate the idea of having a cavity. I remember when I was a kid and I was getting my adult teeth my mum put Bonjela on my gums to numb the pain, I was so scared it had sugar in that I scrubbed it off and cleaned my teeth over and over again” I smiled to myself as I thought about my mum, we’re really close. “Thanks for asking me harry, it’s really thoughtful. Is there anything that triggers your anxiety?”

Harry just gave a silent nod in response and began fiddling with his bandages. I had to catch myself before I reached over to stop him, it could make him even more anxious. “I um, really hate being alone. My dad abandoned me as a kid so I don’t like feeling isolated.” Harry blurted out “I was usually alone when I cut”. 

I couldn’t image why his own father would want to leave him, he’s perfect in every sense of the word. “If you ever feel like you wanna cut, please know that you can always come to me”I told him reassuringly, in that moment I decided to never let him feel alone again. I know it’s hard in a secure unit to hurt yourself but if someone’s desperate enough I’m sure they’d use just about anything. Harry nodded his head slowly and I took that as a step in the right direction. 

“Anyway, enough about how fucked up we are. Tell me about yourself Louis,” Harry ordered jokingly. “My name is Louis Tomlinson, I’m 17 years old from Doncaster. I live-well lived with my mum, four sisters and brother. My dad left me too. My favourite food is pizza and given half the chance I will thrash you at Fifa” I sighed, I hadn’t even been here a day by I missed my family like crazy. Especially mum.

“No girlfriend on the scene, I’m sure a handsome chap like you would have girls swarming them” Harry’s question snapped me out of my thoughts and I giggled slightly. “No Harry I don’t have a girlfriend and I never will. I’m very much gay. And now that you’ve outed me I think I deserve to know about you, romantic status included”

Harry actually laughed at that and the sound brought a smile to my face. In that moment he just sounded so care free. “I’m Harry styles, I’m from Holmes chapel in Cheshire and I’m 16 years old. My favourite food is fried chicken and you’re probably right about Fifa cause I’m crap at it. As I told you my dad left but I lived with Robin who’s my step dad as well as my mum and older sister. And finally I know you’d been waiting for this, I am in fact bisexual and a single Pringle” Harry smirked at me during his last revelation and suddenly I could feel myself getting hot and bothered. I was aware of Harry’s eyes which were practically drinking me in, he then shifted from his bed and down onto the floor next to me. I could see his hard on straining against his jeans and I was so tempted to just ravage him in that moment. He’d caught my eye from the moment I first met him with his muscular yet lanky figure, chocolate curls, emerald eyes and even the startling white bandages contrasted against his skin tone. And more importantly he seemed to understand, to know better than myself even what was going on inside my head.

He seemed to feel the same as he inched his head closer to me but immediately I had to yank away. “Harry I’m sorry, you really are gorgeous but I can’t deal with kissing . My mind won’t switch it off and in my head you’re a threat. There are too many germs” I suddenly began sobbing and dig the heel of my palms into my eyes, why do my thoughts have to ruin everything. I really like Harry and now I’ve fucking blown it just because he wanted a kiss. Maybe mum was right to send me here, whatever was going on in my head isn’t rational.


	3. 3

Harry POV  
I couldn’t do anything but try to comfort him as he sobbed. Personally I couldn’t understand why simple things like kissing were such a problem to Louis or why he was plagued by such horrific thoughts. I can’t imagine being as afraid as he is all the time, so scared to have physical contact with another person. All I could do was sit and rub his back and explain that even if I didn’t understand why, I totally respected his choices and wouldn’t push anything onto him.

After 15 minutes of continuous heart wrenching sobs he eventually wore himself out and they subsided to quiet sniffles. He cautiously glanced up at me with his gorgeous blue pools and wiped a tissue over his tear stained cheeks. “I’m so sorry Harry, I really really like you but I guess things are worse than I thought”. “It’s okay Lou I promise, we’re in here to get better and I promise I’m gonna help you. And if you really do like me then I want you to know that I don’t need kisses, just being with you is enough.” I don’t know where the nickname slipped from but he didn’t object and I was in no hurry to correct myself. “Thanks Harry, that’s so sweet. I can’t offer you much except maybe a cuddle but if you’re okay with that then I am too. You’re perfect Haz”. He nearly whispered towards the end, I suppose he’s nervous that I’ll get bored because of the lack of intimacy but with Louis I don’t think you’d ever get bored. 

We just sat in the same position all night on the floor and talked about everything, from Louis’ love of football to my part time job in a bakery. Even our shared passion for songs and writing lyrics. Dinner time came and passed but I couldn’t care less, we were too distracted by each other to take any notice of the outside world. Eventually a nurse popped her head around the door and told us it was lights out in ten minutes. We also got a scolding for not showing up to tea but they were being lenient because it was Louis’ first day.

The second the nurse left I noticed Louis being to fidget around, tugging lightly on his caramel fringe and rhythmically tapping his foot against the lino floor.  
I gave him a quizzical look and in return he gave me an insistent shake of his head. “I hate this, there’s no hand sanitiser or a timer to make sure I’ve cleaned my teeth for two minutes. They’re messing up my routine, I’ll get sick if my hands aren’t clean I know I will. And I’ll get a cavity, no I need my watch but they frigging took it” Louis was beginning to get hysterical and I wasn’t sure what I could do but try to calm him down. I took him gently by the shoulders and shifted him so we were facing. “It’s okay Louis, just try to breathe with me and we’ll find a way to sort everything out.” He locked eyes with me and slowly his breathing began returning to normal. “There’s not much I can do about hand gel but there’s antibacterial soap in the toilet. And if you need I can count out two minutes for you so you can concentrate on cleaning your teeth”. He smiled gratefully at me “you don’t know how much that would help me, thank you H”. I gave him a gentle squeeze and led him in the direction of the bathroom.

“1 minute 59 seconds, 2 minutes. Okay Lou you’ve brushed them for long enough now”. I could tell how anxious he was getting so I’d tried to take my time over counting but it was obvious the thoughts didn’t think he’d brushed them for long enough. He turned to me with pleading eyes and begged for me to let him have a little longer. I didn’t know what to do, I knew he wasn’t ready to finish but I was also fully aware that if I let him keep going it could cause his gums to bleed and possibly get infected. “No Lou, now let’s get your hands clean quickly before lights out.” I reached over to turn on the hot tap and pointed out the antibac soap to Louis. “I’m gonna go get into bed, don’t be to long alright” I told him seriously as I walked out of the connecting bathroom and collapsed onto my bed. I waited and waited but after at least five minutes Louis hadn’t reappeared so I heaved myself up from bed to go and look for him. 

I was flooded with guilt when I found Louis with red raw hands rocking back and forth on the floor. He whipped his head up to look at me when I stepped into the bathroom but his eyes were cloudy and unfocused. “I-I got my hands cle-clean but then I had to turn the tap off and they would have got impure again. I’m sorry” he cried out brokenly. I rushed over to the sink and turned the scolding water off before crouching down next to him. “It’s alright babes, let’s get you to bed and we can talk more tomorrow. You need to get settled and have a good nights rest sweetie”. He was pliant under my finger tips and made no effort to complain as I guided him back to bed. I lay him down and carefully draped the covers over his tiny figure, they seemed to swallow him.   
“Goodnight Louis” I whispered but he was already asleep, the emotional toll of the day finally catching up on him. I ended up staying awake until body physical couldn’t keep my eyes open, just guarding over him in his sleep. It’s just unfortunate that I couldn’t protect Louis from the demons inside his own head.


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter, hopefully the next will be longer x

Harry POV  
I woke up groggily the next morning, by the time I’d been satisfied that Lou was asleep it was gone three in the morning. Looking over I noticed he was still asleep, chestnut hair ruffled and long eyelashes fanned over his tan cheeks. He looked so peaceful, almost angelic, but I knew I had to wake him up. Judging by the light streaming through the gap in the curtains it was quite late and before breakfast we needed to talk about last night. 

I knelt down beside his bed and gently brushed his hair away from his eyes. “Lou, sweetheart? Can you wake up for me?” I shook him lightly on the shoulder. His eyes fluttered open slowly after a few second before he quickly jumped up in the bed. His eyes flicked around the room before landing on me. He let out a shaky laugh then. “sorry Harry, can’t remember much from last night. How did I end up in here?”  
I smiled warmly at him and took his hand in mine “I found you on the floor in the bathroom freaking out about the tap. You were pretty out of it so I helped you to bed, do you wanna talk about last night?” I nudged him slightly he looked dazed and confused. He nodded eventually but still didn’t say anything. “Why were you so scared Lou, what were the thoughts saying?” I asked quietly, almost afraid of the answer. He acted almost as though he hadn’t heard but then I noticed the silent tears crawling down his cheeks. I immediately engulfed him in a bear hug, “oh Lou I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna upset you”. I felt him nod understandingly against my neck.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, slowly rocking, as I drew patterns across his back in an effort to calm him down. Eventually he pulled away and shifted to lock eyes with me. “I um, I was scared of getting ill. I’d finally got my hands to feel right and then I had to turn the tap off which would just have made them dirty again” I could see Louis trying his hardest not to break down again and I hate that there’s nothing I can do to help him. “You don’t have to say anymore if you’re too upset sweetie, we do this at your pace” I whispered softly in his ear. He gave an insistent shake of his head, “no Haz I can do it. I just knew I’d get ill and that’s the one thing in the world I despise, it makes my skin crawl. I just feel so exposed and vulnerable, it’s such a horrible feeling. Being powerless”. He swiped his hand across his face before shuffling away from me slightly, as though he was regretting telling me. And I understand why, I was exactly the same when I first arrived here. Too terrified to let out your emotions in the fear you’d never regain control, but I did and I know Louis will too in time.

The deadly silence encasing the room was finally broken when Liam came bumbling through the door. “Hi lads, Louis I hope you haven’t forgotten that it’s your first private session now. We’re gonna go over that assignment I set you in group therapy. If you’d like to follow me now and I’ll get you back to Harry soon enough.” He smiles cheerfully at us, seemingly oblivious to the tension hanging in the air. Louis gave me a small nod before clambering off the bed and following Liam out of our bedroom door. I just hoped that Liam would be able to help him because at that moment he was broken seemingly beyond repair. I guess that’s what makes us such a good match.


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to comment if you have any thoughts about where you see this going, I haven’t got a long term plan for the story so I’d love any imput

Louis POV  
“So Louis how have your first few days been, I see you’ve made a friend in Harry. He’s a really good lad, you’ll do well to sick with him” Liam asked me gently. God did he think I was broken or something, he’s treating me like a rescue dog or some shit. How does he think I am, I’m stuck in this cornfield yellow therapy room away from my family and my head is constantly plagued with thoughts about contamination. What an utter dipstick. And whoever decided on yellow should be locked up; I don’t care if it’s meant to improve mood, I just makes me want to throw up. Ugh.

“Fine, things are fine” I responded simply, I suppose I should be civil even if he is a nosy shrink. “That’s good to here Louis, now we’re gonna jump straight into this. How do you feel your OCD has been over the last couple of days? Any particularly bad episodes?”. “It’s been okay but I guess last night wasn’t great. I didn’t like you taking me out if my routine. I didn’t have any hand sanitiser it a watch which messed with my head but Harry helped”. Liam sat in his chair nodding and sporadically jotting down notes on his pad. “Can you explain why this upset you so much?” He queried without even glancing up from his notebook. “I have a routine which stops me getting ill and you took that away, it’s like you’re trying to make me weak”. I was beginning to fidget in my chair, agitated by his utter ignorance.

He seemed to notice my discomfort and suggested that we moved onto a new topic; I nodded begrudgingly at his idea.  
“Let’s talk about that assignment, tell me where do you think all of your obsessions started Louis. Take all the time you need”. I stammered for a second, my obsession had been such a controlling part of my life for so long and it was difficult to remember a time when I wasn’t anxious all the time. “ I guess it started in year 7, I had asthma and struggled a lot with coughing. During the winter I’d caught a cold and it lasted for weeks. My coughing was so harsh that I was being sick up to five times a day; I lost a lot of weight and ended up on steroids to control the infection. Since then I’ve always been anxious about germs in case I get ill again.” By the ended of the recollection tears were streaming down my face for the second time that day. Liam gave me a sympathetic look and placed a supposingly supportive hand on my knee. “Nobody noticed for years; me sneaking up in the middle of the night to brush my teeth or my excessive use of hand sanitiser. Then my mum finally saw and she took me to a doctor, he was so matter of fact like he didn’t give a fuck. And now I’m here”

Liam gave me a warning look for my choice language but didn’t take things any further. He seemed to review what I’d said from the notes he’d taken before clearing his throat and shifting in his seat. “I can see how that time must have been quite traumatic for you, science understand a clear link between mental and physical health. Dramatic weight loss and frequent vomiting would ,I’m sure, have left you feeling quite ill so in some respects your reasoning is rational. However from what you’re saying I see exposure therapy as your best course of treatment. How does that sound to you Louis?” 

I’d been nodding along with what he’d said but couldn’t see therapy helping. I couldn’t count on my fingers the number of therapists mum dragged me to when I was first given my diagnosis of ‘moderate to severe OCD’. None of them could make a dent in my intrusive thoughts, of anything they made be more anxious. If Liam thought he could do any better I suppose he should have a shot, “okay then, whatever you think”. He frowned at my words “Louis this isn’t about me, I’m here to help you but I really do think this is the best way forward. Now today was almost an introduction so next time will be longer but for now you’re free to go”. I stood up silently and only acknowledged Liam with a nod as I made my way out of the room. Fucking finally, I’m starving here and Liam’s hippy dippy therapy session’s made me late to meet harry at breakfast. Just the thought of seeing him brought a beaming smile to my face. God I’m going soft.


End file.
